Bathtime fun!

Many women are quite familiar with using their first couple of fingers to stimulate their clitoris with repetitive rubbing or circling motions. Once old enough to purchase adult products, many women also use vibrators or dildos to change things up a little. However, here’s a technique that you might not have heard of or tried.

A warm bath or shower can be stimulating to begin with. And why not? The skin is the largest sexual organ we have, so taking a hot relaxing shower can become arousing. Though you might have heard comments about pulse settings on showerheads, unless you can detach your showerhead, it’s probably quite difficult to get the water stream anywhere near your clit. Standing on one foot in a slippery tub in order to have an orgasm seems both exhausting and even dangerous (please! Protect that amazing head of yours!) Also, you might have found that the stream is not always strong enough or consistent enough to bring you to orgasm.

However, there is an easy way to have an amazingly strong orgasm (and sometimes a series of orgasms, even if you’re usually a one-orgasm woman like myself) in the bathtub. As far as effort goes, all you really have to do is lay down. No humping, balancing, or finger-cramps. A great way to relax at the end of the day. So, I’m sure you’re wondering what it is! In short, it’s basically like taking your clit on a vacation trip; to get up close and personal with Niagara-Falls.

Instructions:
1. Turn on the bathtub and get it to a desirable temperature.
2. Don’t put a plug in the drain. If your tub drains quickly, go ahead and plug it for a while, but don’t fill the tub. Having few inches of water in it to keep you warm and wet is great, but too much limits access to your genitals. You can reach orgasm before the tub fills, but it’s more fun to just let it drain and keep playing.
3. Once the level of water is a few inches and the water is just the right warm but not-too-hot temperature, get into the tub and lay on your back with your feet up against the wall or over the edge of the tub. Test the temperature by splashing the water in your genitals to see if it’s too hot before this next step.
4. Slide your hips down so that your vulva is underneath the tub faucet. Bend and spread your knees or place your legs so that the water is coming directly from the faucet to your vulva and not landing on your thighs first. You should pretty quickly discover that the flow of water is stimulating to your genitals. Be careful putting your clit under too much hot water right away. If you are not already aroused it can be an uncomfortable amount of pressure.
5. Get comfortable, shift your hips around. It can be a pleasurable or interesting sensation to open your vagina to the water stream and let the water fill it and rush around inside, filling you even more than a penis or sex toy. However, be aware of your body because this can reduce the acidity of the natural vaginal environment and disrupt normal microorganism balances. Besides, the real focus of this activity is definitely the clit.
6. If you are getting excited enough that your clit has gotten erect, you are ready to get your clit is centered under the water stream.
7. Now, take a few fingers from both hands and spread your lips so that your erect clit is fully exposed to the water stream. If the pressure is too much, you can relax your fingers so that your labia can partially cover your clitoris. Adjusting the tension you are creating with your fingers is the way to manage the amount of stimulation.
8. Think dirty thoughts. Excite your mind and body by imagining whatever makes you the most excited. As your arousal builds, the sensations will get more and more intense. You can move your hips or fingers slightly to vary the pressure more than the normal variations in faucet flow, but when you are getting close to orgasm, it may be the most exciting to find a spot and stick to it, letting the rush of the pounding water do all the work.
9. Have an orgasm! Keep your clit under the stream during your orgasm to extend the orgasm. If you keep your clit there until you can’t take any more pleasure, your orgasm can out-last you! If you momentarily interrupt the water to come down from an orgasm, but then actively continue fantasizing and let the water come down on your clit again, you can start the cycle over again, depending on your level of arousal or practice in having back-to-back orgasms.

Enjoy! If you have questions or comments, please feel free to e-mail me or leave a post!

Introduction

The Definition of Sex
In our current culture, sex can mean a lot of things. Usually, however, the word sex is used to refer to a single sexual act. This act is limited to the penetration of a woman by a man’s penis, with the goal of the man achieving orgasm.
If we assume that sex is a behavior most people, regardless of biological sex, have interest in and participate in, we feel that this definition of sex does not adequately meet the needs of English-speaking people. There are several things at issue in this definition.
Since there is no good evidence to suggest that females are biologically less inclined towards sex or deserving of orgasm, we feel that the focus on the male orgasm is a detriment to people everywhere. We do not have to continue to accept the myths that men ‘need sex’ to survive or that men are the ones who have interest in sex and women have only an interest in emotional bonding so it is not a big deal if she doesn’t have an orgasm. While these things may be true for certain individuals, they are not true for all women and all men.
Given the lack of sensitivity within the vagina, penile-vaginal intercourse is unlikely to bring a woman to orgasm. Very unlikely. In essence, if a man achieves an orgasm from a woman’s vagina without ensuring that her needs are a priority, the sexual encounter is not one of equality.
This is not to say that it is necessary for any or all parties to achieve orgasm. People have sex for a very wide variety of reasons. People also find sexual behavior that does not focus on orgasm to be as valuable or in some cases significantly more important in their relationship than the male orgasm though p-v intercourse.
Further issues in female sexual language
Beyond this heterosexist and patriarchal definition of sex, there are much greater issues in the language women have to talk about sex. Though many of these issues are also not at an ideal level for men, women currently bear the bulk of medical, reproductive, and social difficulties with respect to sex. Thus the issues discussed here are primarily for women.
The language that exists around women and female bodies is distinctly different from its male counterpart. Words used to describe women often have a second, sexual definition. Sexuality described with respect to women is comparatively rather sparse, and commonly degrading or offensive. Language for sex that doesn’t involve a penis is virtually nonexistent. Part of this comes from the fact that men are the ones making up the slang terms for women and their sexual behavior.
Purpose
Recognizing the inadequacy of the current language for and about sex and sexual behavior, we have compiled a dictionary designed to address these issues. The words contained within are additions to or modifications of the current English language that exists around sexuality. These words are selected to avoid negative connotation. They are designed to be attractive and sexy, to give women a vocabulary they feel comfortable with using and defending. To give people in general ways to think outside the constraints of their current language to explore sex in a new way, in an egalitarian way.
We recognize that this is an ambitious undertaking. Please understand that this is the first version of what will hopefully be a work in progress. New words will be added, new ideas and experiences shared so we can all broaden our understanding and experience of sex and our sexuality.
This is by no means all there is or all there can be.
Structure
This document is, rather than sorted by alphabet in its entirety, sorted by some major categories for easier interpretation. These categories can be seen in the table of contents following this section. Words will be presented in alphabetical order in an appendix.

The Project

Certainly great efforts are being made across the world to help humanity fight scourges of HIV and other STDs. This activism is extremely important. People around the world are fighting to increase availability of protection methods, contraceptives, and women’s rights. However, this type of activism is not the focus of this project. This project seeks to understand and assist with the issue of sexual language. Activists who are trying to make communication about sexual topics easier face the same difficulties as the women they are trying to help. They do not have words that can be used to make things easier for women. Perhaps something can be done about this.
Though changing the language as a whole is next to impossible, many activists have sought to change individual words, to reclaim words from their derogatory or other connotations. The word queer is an example of a somewhat successful reclamation. Some words are much more resistant to change, or have other meanings that underlie the slang. Other slang changes quickly. New words are invented to express new or different ideas. Why not then take advantage of the ability of our language to incorporate new words, new concepts? The broader concepts of sex and sexuality that have been developed by feminists, lesbians, and other women can be given a concrete referent. Why not diversify the vocabulary of sex? If we can introduce new words, words generated by women, then perhaps we can give women the vocabulary to speak with. Perhaps they won’t feel degraded or embarrassed if they like the words they use. If they like and own these words, the perhaps women can fight to defend the place of privilege these words have been given in the female vocabulary.
In order to facilitate this goal, we seek the production of a new female sexuality-based dictionary/encyclopedia. This book will compile a series of words, images and descriptions for a variety of under-represented sexual acts and body-parts, especially for that which is not centered around the penis. This document will focus on the female anatomy or sexual acts that do not require or focus on the penis, without excluding men as participants. It will attempt to re-define sex and sexual behavior as a mutual act rather than merely a consensual act in which one party is the active participant and the other a mere consenting receptacle. Sex will be discussed as the whole range of sexual encounters, not the penile-vaginal intercourse that is currently evoked by that word. We will seek words that are positive or attractive, words that evoke agency and sensuality. We hope that words can be adopted or generated so as to be independent of traditional western culture ideas about sex, but rather be based on the sexual acts and feelings of people.
To generate these entries, the author will search out topics that exist in sexuality but are nameless or pigeonholed. These topics will be found through discussion with women friends, searches through academic, medical, slang, and internet databases, and personal experience. Once a list of topics has been generated, words, definitions, and images will be generated, adjusted, or appropriated for use in a new way. Once gathered, these words, definitions, and images will be compiled into an attractive booklet. This booklet will be distributed to friends and associates of the author with the request that these people extend it further to their friends and so forth. This book will also be placed in a digital format and be displayed on a website. The address to this website will be distributed to as many peers as possible in the hope that it will extend the vocabulary of many. Though the effectiveness of such a project is difficult to measure, success within the scope of the author’s current capabilities could be defined as the completion and simple distribution of such a work.

Women’s Use of Sexual Language: Effects of Ineffective Communication

“When you decide to have sex with your partner, you should talk about it beforehand, make mutual decisions about contraception or STD prevention,” says the presenter, discussing condom use to a group of students.
The young women in the room frown. They know the presenter is right. They may even believe that in these times in this country, many women do have the ability to use contraception and insist on protection. But these beliefs probably don’t describe their own experiences. One of them might be bold enough to respond, to ask “Ok, that’s cool, but what about when I’m already having sex with someone and I haven’t talked to them about contraception? Or what if things just move really fast and I’m in the middle of a sexual encounter. How do I talk about protection then?”
Often the presenter will look at this person, frown, and completely avoid the point by saying, “Well you should be close enough with your partner that you can discuss these issues before you let them have sex with you.”
It is not uncommon to hear this in a sex education course, program, or lecture. Yes, perhaps it would be wise to be in a committed and communicative relationship before you decide to have sex with someone. Of course, nice girls only have sex with men they have been developing a relationship with. The very conception of sexual intercourse often revolves around the man and his pleasure. Why should a woman actively start discussions about her needs and her protection when she’s not even supposed to want to have sex? Women are the cool ones in sex, the ones with a clear mind, able to make good decisions when they are half-naked with a man touching them and urging them onward, aren’t they? Even if they aren’t they should have been able to see this sexual encounter coming and prepare adequately. This is simply not the case. While it’s true that women in committed relationships are more likely to discuss contraception prior to the first time they have intercourse with their partner (Moore & Davidson, 2000), the irony is, women who are having sex with people they know less well are probably at greater risk. Studies have shown that even when people endorse the ideas of using condoms for safe sex, they fail to do so in their daily lives (DiIorio, Dudley, Lehr, & Soet, 2000). And yet women are affected most dramatically by STDs and conception (McQuiston & Gordon, 2000). Indeed, you would think that women would be up in arms about their ability to demand protection, to demand the right to replace intercourse with other sexual behaviors when safe sex isn’t an option. And perhaps they are. We can buy contraceptives in most places in the country, and activists have spent much time and effort trying to educate women and to tell them they have the right to chose their sexual partners and behaviors. Mothers who talk to their daughters about safe sex have a powerful impact on the future safe behavior of their daughters. But this is not enough. Mothers don’t have the words to talk to their daughters about their own sexual organs or health or pleasure (Miller, Levin, Whitaker, & Xu). Many women still have no conversation with partners prior to sexual encounters about using condoms (Cleary, Barhman, MacCormack, & Herold, 2002). Why? Because, among other perceived social barriers, Cleary and colleagues tell us young women report that they do not feel they have the communication skills necessary to do so. Women report that their education, however extensive, has not given them the ability to communicate about what happens before the “condom goes on the banana” (Participant 4, Cleary et al 2002). The instructions for how to place a condom on a penis are on the box. The instructions for how to successfully negotiate requesting the use of condoms, or talking about other sexual decisions are not. Young women still do not know where these instructions are, and it may be because they are not out there to be found.

Sexual Language in English

Women do not have the language to discuss sexuality. Women have no language which frames them as an active, desiring and powerful sexual being (Jackson & Cram, 2003). From the author’s survey of a variety of online sex or slang dictionaries, it is clear that there is a divide between male anatomy-and-pleasure-centered vocabulary, and that of woman-centered anatomy and pleasure. There is an abundance of terms for real or even imagined sexual acts involving the penis or male orgasm. The few words found by the author that described female anatomy, orgasm, or sexual acts, were either anatomical words or had a derogatory 2nd definition. The author’s personal least favorite is the term bloody axe wound in reference to a woman’s vulva. Indeed, it is hard to imagine a woman feeling confident and sensual and powerful when she is told her body represents a bleeding wound, a defect, a problem.
Women do not generate many of the slang terms we use, or even know the words used to refer to their anatomy (Braun & Kitzinger, 2001). As reported by Braun and Kitzinger, there are more slang words for male anatomy than female anatomy, and they are categorized in different ways. Words for women’s bodies can often represent receptacles or things of weakness. In the category of ‘Danger’ words, male anatomy is represented as a weapon, female anatomy as a trap. In the category of money, only women’s anatomy is represented, with the questionable exception of the term ‘money shot’ for male ejaculate visible as onto a woman’s body. In this study, women’s genitalia is referred to in a euphemistic manner 60 times by female participants whereas the male participants do so a mere 17. Further, the authors report a remarkable lack of consensus on the specific anatomical parts referenced by these many slang terms. For a particular word for female genitalia, different participants could be “certain” that they knew whether it referred to the vagina, clitoris, vulva, or pubic hair, and the consensus be as low as 1/15.
Lesbian sex, or sex that does not involve a penis, is either glossed over or shoved awkwardly into boxes that do not fit (Richardson, 1996). Is mutual masturbation a clear concept? Hardly. When women “do it”, who fucks whom? These are issues that arise out of a lack of language, a lack of discussion. If fucking is the only thing people do during sex (everything else is foreplay) then who has the power, the control of the sexual encounter if there is no man involved? This wouldn’t be a question if our language represented the mutuality of sexual behavior as well as the human nature of it rather than the one-male-one-female perspective. If we have worked so hard to be treated (more) like equals in the workplace, in public, and in politics, who not in our language and in bed?
More importantly is this point; since men are the ones generating the words that are used to describe our bodies and our sexuality (Braun & Kitzinger, 2001), if we continue to rely on men to come up with these words, can we really expect that this language will ever be independent of the penis or its relativity to that organ?

Let’s Talk About (Talking About) Sex

This work was generated by Elysia R. Todd as an activism project for women’s sexuality as part of a course, WS 460.

One of the recurring themes in this course has been the way in which language shapes our ideas and actions. In any field, we have to make efforts to be able to communicate clearly, to define our language for our peers. We use jargon and operationalizations to make certain that we agree before we speak. Research in language and psychology shows a remarkable effect; if we don’t have a word for something, it limits our ability to talk or even think about a topic. Ask someone to try and think of something they have no word for. They will likely not be able to come up with anything at all, or if they do, it will take some time. If we do have words for a topic, but these words are too general or take too singular an approach to something, our thought is similarly limited. It is exceptionally difficult to think of that which we have no concept of, no way of describing. Similarly, it is extremely difficult to think of something in a broader sense than the words we use to describe it or the words used around it (Finn, 2008). Ask someone from the Midwest what the weather is when it is precipitating, they will tell you it is raining. Ask someone from the northwest, and you may be told it is drizzling, sprinkling, showering, pouring, misting, and so on. Language has a powerful impact upon us every day of our lives.
Sex and sexuality in particular displays these limiting effects of language most readily. Though in a logical sense we recognize that all parties in a sexual act can have agency, our language does not reflect that (Jackson & Cram, 2003). Most of our sexual language seems to center around the male as the agent, the male orgasm as the singular goal (Oakley, 1996). Indeed, many legal definitions of rape and sexual assault are still based on penile-vaginal penetration. Similarly, though the array of sexual behavior is vast, our language lumps it into small and inaccurate categories such as foreplay and sex. Even further, language about sex in our culture has been used to degrade and limit those who do not comply with the norms of our sexual mores (Braun & Kitzinger, 2001). In this respect it is easy to see why women have trouble speaking up to their partners (Moore & Davidson, 2000), friends (Cleary, Barhman, MacCormack, & Herold, 2002), or even medical professionals (Wendt, Hildingh, Lidell, Westerståhl, Baigi, & Marklund, 2007) about sexual satisfaction and desires, sexual health, and more.


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