Women’s Use of Sexual Language: Effects of Ineffective Communication

“When you decide to have sex with your partner, you should talk about it beforehand, make mutual decisions about contraception or STD prevention,” says the presenter, discussing condom use to a group of students.
The young women in the room frown. They know the presenter is right. They may even believe that in these times in this country, many women do have the ability to use contraception and insist on protection. But these beliefs probably don’t describe their own experiences. One of them might be bold enough to respond, to ask “Ok, that’s cool, but what about when I’m already having sex with someone and I haven’t talked to them about contraception? Or what if things just move really fast and I’m in the middle of a sexual encounter. How do I talk about protection then?”
Often the presenter will look at this person, frown, and completely avoid the point by saying, “Well you should be close enough with your partner that you can discuss these issues before you let them have sex with you.”
It is not uncommon to hear this in a sex education course, program, or lecture. Yes, perhaps it would be wise to be in a committed and communicative relationship before you decide to have sex with someone. Of course, nice girls only have sex with men they have been developing a relationship with. The very conception of sexual intercourse often revolves around the man and his pleasure. Why should a woman actively start discussions about her needs and her protection when she’s not even supposed to want to have sex? Women are the cool ones in sex, the ones with a clear mind, able to make good decisions when they are half-naked with a man touching them and urging them onward, aren’t they? Even if they aren’t they should have been able to see this sexual encounter coming and prepare adequately. This is simply not the case. While it’s true that women in committed relationships are more likely to discuss contraception prior to the first time they have intercourse with their partner (Moore & Davidson, 2000), the irony is, women who are having sex with people they know less well are probably at greater risk. Studies have shown that even when people endorse the ideas of using condoms for safe sex, they fail to do so in their daily lives (DiIorio, Dudley, Lehr, & Soet, 2000). And yet women are affected most dramatically by STDs and conception (McQuiston & Gordon, 2000). Indeed, you would think that women would be up in arms about their ability to demand protection, to demand the right to replace intercourse with other sexual behaviors when safe sex isn’t an option. And perhaps they are. We can buy contraceptives in most places in the country, and activists have spent much time and effort trying to educate women and to tell them they have the right to chose their sexual partners and behaviors. Mothers who talk to their daughters about safe sex have a powerful impact on the future safe behavior of their daughters. But this is not enough. Mothers don’t have the words to talk to their daughters about their own sexual organs or health or pleasure (Miller, Levin, Whitaker, & Xu). Many women still have no conversation with partners prior to sexual encounters about using condoms (Cleary, Barhman, MacCormack, & Herold, 2002). Why? Because, among other perceived social barriers, Cleary and colleagues tell us young women report that they do not feel they have the communication skills necessary to do so. Women report that their education, however extensive, has not given them the ability to communicate about what happens before the “condom goes on the banana” (Participant 4, Cleary et al 2002). The instructions for how to place a condom on a penis are on the box. The instructions for how to successfully negotiate requesting the use of condoms, or talking about other sexual decisions are not. Young women still do not know where these instructions are, and it may be because they are not out there to be found.